Women's Least Favorite Sport

Well, the Holidays are now past and we can all look forward to warmer weather.  Warm sun, beautiful sun, bright flowers and the prospect of being at the beach or poolside...

What, don’t you look forward to gearing up for the summer?

Summer to most women over a certain age (read: 25) is a season of dread. Not because of the unbearable heat and humidity, but because we will be forced into a torture chamber, now called a “fitting room”, where we will try on swimwear.

Torquemada was a weenie. If the Inquisition had had Spandex at their disposal, his female victims would have cracked faster than a 6 week old egg, if threatened with facing themselves in a three-way mirror while wearing a bathing suit! Trust me. I have seen the look of horror on the face a sales woman as she brings me the swimsuits to try on in the “privacy” of the changing room.

Privacy? Not when she pulls back the curtain of the door far enough, so that half the population of my town can get a good look at my varicose veins-- all the way to the hip!  Humiliating. But I digress…

So what is a woman to do? Short of staying home, or resorting to cut-offs and a tee shirt, here are some tricks to finding that perfect bathing suit.

The first thing we see when flipping through a rack of swimwear is COLOR. If your taste runs to bright colors, and you have the physique of one of the Dancing Hippos from Fantasia, think this one through. Perhaps, it would be more merciful to your family and friends, as well as the strangers on the beach, to try a dark color. Black is good. Navy, too.  Remember, unless you have been spending the last six months visiting the local tanning salon, getting your skin to the color (and consistency) of your last Thanksgiving turkey, a dark color is best. Remember that black and navy won’t clash with pasty skin.  However, neon lime and chartreuse can give you a skin color that can only be duplicated by the Roswell aliens.  Not a pretty sight. And bright prints… well, the last time I tried on a loud print swimsuit, I looked a lot like my great-Grandmother’s sofa.

A well-cut swimsuit can do wonders for a woman’s confidence. There is the bikini, the tankini, the tank suit, the blouson, the swim dress, and the boyshort and others, from which to choose. If you know what your physical strong points are, the various cuts and styles can help you emphasize these. Something like the way 3- card- Monte works: distract the eye with one thing and not realize that something else is happening.

The bikini, in my humble opinion, should be avoided by everyone but Supermodels and sixteen year olds. They look great in bikinis. Flawless, feminine perfection. I hate them all.

The tankini is the newest silhouette to hit the swimwear market. It was probably invented by a Baby Boomer when she realized that for her, there was more “Boom” than

 “Va-voom”. What other style of bathing suit can you get which forces your extra adipose tissue simultaneously down and up? This way your waistline looks like it has been pumped full of air as it sticks out between the bra and the trunk. Very chic. 

But the tankini has its good points. If you have a slim waist this looks great! It comes with a wide range of bra styles and trunk coverage. It is probably the most versatile style because you can mix and match bras and trunks and come up with a style of your very own.

The tank suit is the one-piece suit for swimmers and people who are active. Sleek, slimming and it stays on while you are playing beach volleyball. These are all good reasons to try these on for size. Make sure that you get the correct size. If it is too short in the torso, it will creep up and toward the middle, giving you the appearance of a thong back. Not a pretty sight on most of us.

The blouson is a truly merciful version of the swimsuit. If you are a little thick in the middle, this style gracefully hides those flaws. These can be one or two-piece suits. The neckline of a blouson can be a bandeau, a surplice, a v-neck and a host of others. This style hides a multitude of sins, and is comfortable as well.

A swim dress is flattering to anyone who has less than perfect legs. If, while looking at your cellulite and veins in the mirror, you are reminded of a Hagstrom of Italy, then this style is for you. Because it is full skirted, it allows free movement. The only down side is being hit in the face with a floating skirt as you walk into the water.

The boyshort is best left to the male of the species. The line of the trunk hits the widest part of the leg. ‘Nuf said.

And so I return to my daydreams of summer…  I wonder why I keep visualizing a group of Eskimos trying to force a beached whale back into the water…

Gosh, I wonder if there are any pool parties on our calendar this year? Hmmmm… Maybe I should rejoin the gym.